TNI Books Online

From: Subject: TNI Books Online Date: Sat, 15 Sep 2001 22:51:49 -0400 MIME-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: multipart/related; boundary="----=_NextPart_000_0029_01C13E39.01150FA0"; type="text/html" X-MimeOLE: Produced By Microsoft MimeOLE V5.00.3018.1300 This is a multi-part message in MIME format. ------=_NextPart_000_0029_01C13E39.01150FA0 Content-Type: text/html; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable Content-Location: http://www.tnibooks.com/tobycarroll/ TNI Books Online

Welcome to the Cheap = Seats
reported from NYC by Toby=20 Carroll

tnibooks.com=20 | current = posts=20 | toby's=20 archive | other blogs=20

= saturday,=20 september 15=20

:: 4:15 AM :: = <--mark=20 it
Donate to the Red Cross:=20
Amazon.com=20
PayPal

****

Today was = somewhat=20 of an attempt for me to return to some kind of normalcy. I = checked=20 my PO Box on the way into Manhattan this morning, and = ended up=20 showing up late to work after losing my metrocard there = for about=20 fifteen minutes. Work itself was back to something = resembling the=20 usual routine, with the exception of the fact that I kept = scanning=20 ny.com's unofficial survivor list for associates of my = boss who=20 were feared lost. Everywhere I went, flags were waving; = small=20 candlelit shrines were popping up all over the city as = well.=20

After work, Molly and I went over to the Javits = Center to=20 see what was happening, and to hopefully drop off some = canned=20 goods (in this case, coffee). One of the police officers = there=20 told us that we'd be better off coming by tomorrow, as the = people=20 handling the distribution of food were currently too = swamped to=20 process anything else.

After heading back = downtown, I=20 learned through a series of calls that my plans to head = back to=20 Jersey tonight were being pushed back to tomorrow; I ended = up=20 catching "The Others" with Molly, Adam, and Jeremy, which = was=20 prefaced by a group viewing of much of No Doubt's "Behind = the=20 Music" episode. Anything to take our minds off of what had = happened; anything to spend time with people you care = about and=20 share each other's company.

After I came home, I = did a=20 quick search on Yahoo for newswire photos. Molly had told = me that=20 a friend of ours currently doing a semester in London had = gone to=20 the American embassy in London and, while there, had = appeared in a=20 photo that the Associated Press has picked up. I did a = little=20 searching, and quickly found it. I sent a link to the = photo to=20 Scott, who had downloaded the photo the night before, = unaware that=20 a friend of several friends of his was in the center of = it. A=20 strange, surreal thing to see late at night...=20

= friday,=20 september 14=20

:: 1:44 AM :: = <--mark=20 it
Donate to the Red Cross:=20
Amazon.com=20
PayPal

****

"There's a = bomb=20 threat at the post office," my boss said early in the day. = That=20 set the tone for the rest of the day; we kept hearing = reports of=20 threats and evacuations and had no idea what to believe, = no idea=20 of what we'd see when we walked outside. I spent a lot of = the day=20 seeing if any calls for nonskilled volunteers had gone = out,=20 scanning some of the impromptu survivor lists for the = people I'd=20 dealt with at work who worked at the WTC, and trying hard = to keep=20 my mind off of everything. I was the last one to leave the = office,=20 heading out at around seven, making my way across town = through a=20 quiet, nervous midtown. I walked past the Empire State = Building=20 and felt nervous that I'd chosen this route to travel as I = remembered last night's evacuations.

(And when = I got=20 home, I saw my roommate for the first time since Tuesday = at around=20 8:30. He'd seen the second tower fall, and told me stories = of how=20 he'd spent the day. Right now, I'm seeing flashes of = lightning and=20 hearing peals of thunder in the distance; the first time I = saw=20 lightning, I jumped out of my chair. Scott just commented = over=20 IMer that "this rain is going to bring down buildings". = He's=20 probably right, and the fact that such an = irrational-sounding=20 statement is the grim truth stands as an indication of how = different things have become in the past three days.)=20

Last night, I'd seen Manhattan from the outside. = Tonight,=20 I wanted to head downtown and see how things were. I'd = heard news=20 reports of people gathering in Union Square, so I walked = down=20 Madison, then down Broadway, and headed into the park. =

I=20 passed a man in a Buddhist monk's robes on my way in, and = someone=20 else silently chanting. And even from far away, I could = see the=20 candles. Some single ones set on the lawn. Some shrines = that had=20 been set up for people still unaccounted for in the = explosion - a=20 few candles, a photo of the person in question, and some = contact=20 information. On one corner, a sea of candles; some = postcards of=20 the old Manhattan skyline lay on the stone walkway among = them.=20 And, a few feet away, long sheets of paper had been = stretched, on=20 which people had written messages of anger and support. = And as I=20 brought my head up from looking at one, I saw the massive = amount=20 of people who had gathered to be there together, some = holding=20 candles, some praying, some just watching in silence. Near = the=20 entrance to the subway, a lone piper played. The night was = quiet,=20 and I didn't feel so alone anymore.

I stayed there = for=20 about half an hour before walking to the subway. Since = this all=20 began, it was the only time I considered myself truly = safe. And=20 though footage and photographs of what went on have = circulated,=20 I'm not sure that there's any way to convey precisely how = I felt=20 there.

=20 thursday, september 13=20

:: 1:05 AM :: = <--mark=20 it
Following the attacks on New York and Washington, DC, = donations=20 to the Red Cross can be made via Amazon.com or PayPal.

****

I stayed = home from=20 work today. CNN was on in the other room, and I spent most = of the=20 day in the bedroom, checking various news sites and = keeping in=20 touch with friends via instant messenger. In the early = afternoon,=20 my dad called. "Do you want to meet up for dinner?" he = asked. I=20 checked the subway lines and determined that I'd need to = drive (in=20 this case, to Bay Ridge, just across the Verranzano Bridge = from=20 Staten Island).

Driving down the BQE, I got my = first full=20 glimpses of the skyline. I tried not to stare too much, = but god,=20 it's watching the city (you've begun to call home) with an = open=20 wound. It's hard to turn your head back around while = keeping your=20 eyes on the road.

Met my parents at a Pizzeria = Uno's in=20 Bay Ridge. My mom squeezed my hand a lot. My father and I = hugged,=20 which doesn't happen too frequently. Dinner conversation = was about=20 the only thing it could really be about; our eyes were all = on the=20 tvs above the bar, all of which showed CNN.

We = went our=20 separate ways after that. (After the drive home, I = turned the=20 television on and saw reports of evacuations of the Empire = State=20 Building and Penn Station, the latter of which is about = five=20 blocks from where I work. A friend of mine basically = shouted at me=20 to spend tomorrow at home; as of my writing this, I'm = waiting to=20 see what happens in the morning, as the buildings were = both=20 considered safe not long after the evacuation.) There = was this=20 tiny, almost imperceptable uncertainty to our parting. As = we all=20 pulled each other close, none of us knew if the danger had = completely passed, but we all acted like we did. God, I = hope we=20 were right.

When I used to drive back to my = apartment=20 via the BQE, I loved the look of the financial district at = night -=20 this odd clump of ultra-modern, gleaming buildings, all = lit up=20 against the backdrop of the river and the night sky. I've = got a=20 soft spot for being on the water, and I remember taking a = cruise=20 around Manhattan at the tail end of my senior year at NYU. = We=20 spent a lot of time watching that part of the island, and = after it=20 was done, we hung around in the near-empty atrium of the = World=20 Financial Center. It was a remarkable night in many ways, = and I=20 remember it every time I drive on that one stretch of = roadway.=20

When talking to Scott last night, I said this: = "This isn't=20 going to hit me until I've seen the skyline." And, = ultimately, it=20 didn't. I came around the corner and saw the lower tip of=20 Manhattan. Some landmarks were simply gone. Others stood, = looking=20 unfazed. Smoke still rose. A few buildings hung there, = looking as=20 if they had been moved out of alignment. And still more = buildings=20 looked hollow - all of the lights were off, and they = appeared to=20 be the echoes of buildings, dark cut-outs matted against a = background of smoke. One appeared to be the apartment = complex that=20 a friend of mine once called home. As a sad song played = quietly, I=20 sobbed and did what I could to stay in my lane. And I = turned the=20 corner, and the sight was gone.=20

= tuesday,=20 september 11=20

:: 9:47 PM :: = <--mark=20 it
Last night was quiet. I spent most of it creeping = around my=20 room, trying to finish most of a major rearrangement of = the way=20 things are organized in it, and succeeding. I went to = sleep,=20 remembering that I probably shouldn't oversleep past my = alarm too=20 much, as I needed to vote in the Democratic primary = tomorrow. And=20 I slept.

Woke up today. Thought about maybe = checking my PO=20 Box if I had enough time after voting, but I didn't get = out until=20 later than I'd expected. On my way in, the young woman in = front of=20 me asked the police officer standing by the door something = about a=20 "crash". I assumed that she meant a couple of cars = colliding -=20 which, admittedly, I thought odd, as the street seemed to = be=20 pretty clear. I walked in, voted, and on my way out an = elderly=20 woman with a cane looked at me, a completely bullshit-free = expression on her face.

"Two planes crashed into = the World=20 Trade Center," she said. For whatever reason, I had = flashes of the=20 guy who crashed the Cessna into the White House lawn a few = years=20 ago. Maybe it's okay, I thought. I debated walking = down to=20 the quasi-waterfront, but decided against it, as I was = running=20 late to work.

The subway was quiet. The E train = between=20 42nd and 34th stopped for about fifteen minutes between = stops; the=20 conductor said something about "a police investigation" at = the WTC=20 stop. (Jesus. I'm going to talk to my cousin's = two-year-old in=20 ten years, and she's not going to know what "WTC" means. = She's=20 going to know a different skyline than I did. This is = insane.)=20 I got out, trying to see if I could see anything from 34th = and=20 8th. I couldn't, and hauled ass over to work, where the = radio was=20 already on.

A few moments stand in hideous clarity = -=20 hearing one reporter suddenly shout "Oh my God, the north = tower's=20 coming down!", the sounds of police sirens and (assumably) = fighter=20 planes passing by, the sight of police motorcycles = escorting a=20 string of buses to parts unknown - but possibly the most=20 disturbing part is this:

If the radio hadn't been = on; if I=20 hadn't checked the web or my email...I would never have = known=20 about it. The smoke never reached midtown, and the sky = that was=20 above my head was a deep, steady blue all day. If I'd = sheltered=20 myself, I would have believed today to be a quietly = beautiful=20 pre-autumn day. Upon getting into Queens after work, I = wanted to=20 see the skyline myself, to know that this had truly = happened. I=20 was shooed off of the Pulaski Bridge by a police officer, = though,=20 but not before I saw something that I first mistook for a = rusty=20 grey cloud hanging over Manhattan.

I eventually = made my=20 way close to the water in Greenpoint and saw the absence = of=20 something familiar. Reading Molly's writing on it earlier = in the=20 day started to hammer the point home, but this made what = had=20 happened clear. All that's left is to comprehend = everything that=20 that means - and I don't know if I'm ready to do that just = yet.=20

I'm not sure if there's anything else to say.=20

= sunday,=20 september 9=20

:: 3:58 AM :: = <--mark=20 it
Scenes from the party, take one.

Evidently, = when the=20 guy came around taking money for a beer run and I thought = I gave=20 him three singles, I actually gave him a twenty and two = ones.=20 Shit.

Scenes from the party, take two. =

"We've=20 all got a bet on this. How old are you?" =

"Twenty-four=20 years of age."

"Damn." Pause. "You look = seventeen."=20

Evidently, I've got a young face.=20

= tuesday,=20 september 4=20

:: 2:09 AM :: = <--mark=20 it
One.

After helping a friend of mine move = on=20 Saturday, I felt motivated to rearrange my bedroom at = around 2=20 that morning. This consisted mainly of trying to spin my=20 79-inch-long bed in my 82-inch-wide room. It didn't quite = work,=20 and by around 3:30, I had managed to trap myself in a = fairly tiny=20 section of room, bordered by the wall, the bed, and my = desk. I=20 crawled onto an eight-inch-wide section of bed (boxes and = whatnot=20 covered the rest), and went to sleep. My roommate came to = my=20 assistance the next day, and we managed to get it rotated=20 properly.

Best moment? I had a couple of discs on; = Ronen and=20 I stood around, using the always handy Ikea tool to take = the=20 bedframe apart. The stereo changed one CD to the next, and = a few=20 notes sounded. Ronen's face took on a pained look - "Is = this=20 Oasis? Fuck."

Two.

I wasn't sure if = Ted=20 Leo's set last night at Brownies would top the already = impressive=20 work that Juno and Radio 4 had done earlier in the night. = Radio=20 4's addition of a percussionist added a new layer to their = always=20 solid postpunk-influenced rock, while Juno's expansive set = almost=20 sounded too big for the club to hold. Ted took the stage, = and=20 after making his way through three songs on his own = (including one=20 Chisel song), the Pharmacists joined him, and things got = even more=20 intense. The band tore through what seemed like a dozen = songs,=20 upping the tempo for almost everything, and hurling energy = into=20 the crowd, who reciprocated. The atmosphere was = celebratory at=20 times, and when the band finished their set, the crowd = seemed=20 restless.

And then one of the guys from Juno came = out and=20 basically asked Ted and the Pharmacists to play more. So = they did,=20 delivering a two-song encore to a crowd that, I think, = would have=20 carried Ted out into the street and down Avenue A if he'd = asked us=20 to. They walked offstage again, at which point Juno's = singer came=20 out.

"That was one of the best shows I've ever = seen," he=20 said, looking almost wide-eyed. He then asked the band to = come=20 back out yet again. This time, only Ted did; strapping on = a=20 borrowed guitar, he covered Bruce Springsteen's "Dancing = in the=20 Dark", and ended the night.

Amazing. Absolutely = amazing.=20

Three.

I spent a bit too much time = around=20 the apartment today. By the time I decided to head into = Manhattan,=20 most of the afternoon had passed; I stopped at Sound and = Fury and=20 picked up the new Bjork disc, and then ended up spending = about=20 ninety minutes on a quest for something by This Heat. I = went from=20 store to store before picking up their Peel Sessions disc = at=20 Kim's, along with Love's Forever Changes and Avey = Tare,=20 Panda Bear, and Geologist's Danse Manatee. I went = back to=20 Brooklyn, looking to write and kill some time before the = Hey=20 Mercedes show. I ended up running into my onetime = roommate Ed=20 and his bandmate Josh; we ended up grabbing = dinner and=20 drink(s) before the show.

J. = Majesty=20 delivered one of the better sets I'd seen from them. Ed, = Josh, and=20 I moved up front for Hey Mercedes' set, and when things = began, I=20 remembered why I don't always like standing in the front = row of=20 shows: it can get intimidating.

Okay, here's Bob=20 Nanna: a fairly tall, wiry guy with a guitar and an = intense=20 look on his face, standing on a stage; basically, he's = towering=20 about six feet over me, and I suddenly feel very, very=20 self-conscious. Should I be shaking my ass more? Is the=20 ass-shaking that I'm doing now weird? Should I not be = moving=20 around as much? Should I try singing along? Shit.... =

Damn=20 good set, though; one that started well and got better as = it went=20 along. I finally got to meet Bob (we've exchanged emails = for the=20 better part of a year and a half, by this point), which = was cool=20 as well. I made my way home, and here I sit, writing this. =

Four.

(Note: readers who dislike = blogs that=20 go too deeply into people's personal lives are advised to = stop=20 here. If you're on this page for the show reviews and = general wit=20 and really don't want to see me write in a vein that could = come=20 off as self-indulgent whining....you've been warned.)=20

Suddenly, I feel all nervous again. My friend = Molly=20 recently wrote about moving away from the city in her = diaryland=20 page , and it seems like that's becoming a common theme = for people=20 I know. And, in quite a lot of those cases, one's = significant=20 other is a factor - "We want to see what [place] is like" = or "We=20 think [place] has some interesting jobs" or "We know a lot = of=20 people in [place]". It makes complete sense to me. It is=20 completely alien to me. And I am very, very scared.=20

Expanding on that a bit, I'll say this: my level = of=20 romantic and sexual experience is much, much lower than = anyone=20 else I know of my age. It's the sort of thing that hasn't = bothered=20 me much until the past year or so; I always just figured = I'd catch=20 up eventually. Nowadays, though, the more I see some of my = friends=20 starting to look to settle down, I'm realizing that the = game's=20 moving into a new stage that I'm completely unprepared = for,=20 emotionally speaking - and that that emotional=20 inexperience/immaturity (there's no other word for it, = really) is=20 not exactly going to make me a prime choice for dating = material. A=20 vicious circle, eh?

Right now, I should be happy. = I've=20 spent quality time with friends this weekend, I've seen = some great=20 music and picked up some quality records, I've done = something to=20 my room that I wanted to do two years ago, and things are = moving=20 along with my own writing, the label, and the zine. So why = am I=20 sitting at my desk with a mounting sense of dread?=20

= friday, august=20 31=20

:: 12:51 AM :: = <--mark=20 it
Slowly, we're slipping back into autumn. I don't mind = this so=20 much, but the sense of "where did the year go?" is = pervasive. A=20 year ago, I had taken the Friday off to drive into New = Jersey to=20 see Jets to Brazil and Samiam (and - so Scott and I = thought - the=20 Love Scene) in Wayne. I was pretty much certain that I was = going=20 to get a call at some point that day telling me that I'd = lost my=20 job, but at the time, I didn't really care - the month of = August=20 was when I had the nights of frustration, the long moody = walks=20 across the bridge, the near-spastic moments where I'd just = stand=20 there in the apartment, glitching. Now, there's a long = weekend=20 coming up and I'm hardly aware of it except to ponder that = maybe=20 I'll get more writing than usual done on Monday.

I = didn't=20 get home from work until around 11:45 tonight. I'm a = workaholic,=20 and the fact that I'm a workaholic occasionally pisses me = off. I=20 feel like I've got more of my time to give than anyone = else around=20 me because, basically, I don't have much of a social life = outside=20 of the weekends. Part of me wonders if that's really what = I offer=20 people as an employee: the fact that I don't have much = else to do=20 with my time. (This is, of course, not true, but it's not = like I=20 can say "hey, I need to leave early so I can go work on = the label=20 now" to my boss). I've been the last person to leave the = office=20 many nights in all three jobs I've had since moving here. = The idea=20 that I might be able to do everything that I do only = because -=20 essentially - I don't date is something that scares the = hell out=20 of me. Or maybe I'm just talking out of my ass; I wish I = knew.=20

It's a bleak, barren time of the year, lacking the = beauty=20 or the heat of summer but with autumn's chill not quite = present in=20 the air. As much as I've liked this summer, I'm awaiting = the fall=20 to come, but right now I just feel like I'm treading = water.=20

................................................................= ..............

tnibooks.com=20 | current = posts=20 | toby's=20 archive | other=20 = blogs

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